It’s been a rough couple of weeks, but it’s getting better.

I have a good life. I really do. But I have internal struggles that make everyday life hard to cope with sometimes. I battle depression, anxiety, a borderline eating disorder, three major physical health issues, and weight troubles. I battled many of the same things as a (religious) teenager. I once used prayer as a way to let my problems go. I’d “give them to god,” as many Christians say. I’d push them away, deep down, trying to forget them and refusing to deal with them in a productive way.

They’d fester. They’d boil. Then the lid would explode off the pot. My dad and I would scream at each other. I’d rebel. Then came the guilt. So I’d rock back and forth on my bedroom floor, sobbing and begging for god’s forgiveness for my terrible behavior. I’d write in my journal that I was lonely. I’d write that I felt unloved. Wasn’t god supposed to love me? Weren’t all my prayers supposedly being heard by him so he could bring me up from my sadness? Still I prayed, being told by friends and family that god is in control and has a plan for my life.

I never learned to deal with stress. I packed it away, deep down, until it exploded out of me. I know I can’t do that anymore. I know I have to let it out. I have to deal with things responsibly. I have to take care of myself.

Writing this blog and getting my thoughts out of my head and into a sort of physical place (at least they can be seen) really helps. I try to stay on topic, but sometimes I just need to vent. This week is one of those weeks.

I feel frustrated. I feel worthless. I feel like a failure because I can’t seem to lose weight. I need to do this for my family. I need to do this for my overall health. But nothing works, and I’m afraid of failing again.

I was taught to be “broken” before god. To let him fix me. I no longer want to be broken. I would like to take control of my own life instead of pretending that some outside force is going to make it better. I want my girls to grow up with healthy self-esteem and I want them to see me as strong, healthy, and capable.

Things are better this week. I made it to the gym and got a good workout in. I have a big craft show coming up this weekend, which will unload a lot of stress when it’s over. Thanks for letting me vent. Thank you for your letters of kindness and support. Don’t forget – I always write back, so be sure to check your junk folders!

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