Category Archives: Sex

The Secret Language of Our Family a.k.a. Talking About Farts

You know what I’m talking about, Ladymoms and Gentledads. I’m talking about when dad rips one and the kids crack up laughing and mom gives dad the side-eye but cracks a smile anyway. Then a conversation about digestion ensues when the 6-year old asks why farts smell so bad.

It’s the stuff we talk about in our home, when it’s just parent and kid. When we are comfortable educating our children about the wonders of reproduction, what being gay is and why we believe love is love, what being racist is and why we have to leave the room when my 81-year-old grandfather starts talking.

And conversations about why we don’t wipe our boogers in certain places, what cat hairballs are made of, and all manner of bodily function questions, all involving Google or Siri for facts.

Sometimes we talk about not-so-gross stuff. I mean, I do have two girls. So I get the occasional “why do people wear makeup and bras?” or “why do you shave your armpits, Mommy?” type questions.

I don’t know about you, but I love these conversations. I love that my husband and I are the ones answering these questions for them instead of their peers (or, in the case of many of their friends, churches.)

We allow our girls to talk more openly about these things at home, and we specify that home is the best place to discuss these types of things at their age. They seem to get it, and they never hesitate to ask questions.

I know a lot of parents who feel nervous talking about sex with their kids, and while it isn’t my favorite thing to talk about, I think it’s good that we’re teaching them because we know it’s information based on actual facts.

Talk with your kids. About everything, all the time. About how farting works, about skunk stink glands, about their fears, your fears, and current events. Give them the education they need to face a world of loony politicians, angry people and hurting people, heartbreaks and emotional rollercoasters. Arm them with knowledge and they’ll be naturally more curious.

Try it and you’ll love it. You’ll bond over it, I promise you that. And I’m hoping that they’ll be more likely to come to their parents to talk when they’re older. We’re building the foundation now.

He’ll tell you anything to get you into bed…

…and I want to make sure my daughters know it. I’ve discussed the sex talk in previous posts, but I feel the need to elaborate on one important aspect of young women and sex. He will tell you anything to get you into bed. It bears repeating. I’m not saying that all men are scum, or that all men intend to hurt women. Let me be clear; that is not what I’m saying. What I am saying is young men have a high sex drive, and they want to get some. It doesn’t mean they’re bad guys. It’s very natural. But this means that young women need to exert control over their bodies and make decisions that keep them out of harm’s way.

Would you like an example? Sure you would. I warn you, the content may be uncomfortable at times. But these are things that need to be said. In the style of my favorite TV show, The Golden Girls, I’ll tell a story.

Picture it – Oklahoma in the late 1990’s. A girl of only 15, with poor self-esteem and a desire to be broken and humble before her god, is introduced to a handsome older (18-ish) young man. The young man takes her by surprise, showing her attention she’s never gotten before. They begin to date with the permission of the girl’s parents because her parents believe he is an upstanding, church-going young man. Each date they have gets progressively more physical. The young girl, never having been told that a boy might grab her hand and stick it in his pants, doesn’t know what to do. He says he loves her, that it’s ok to touch him. She doesn’t resist because she is afraid the boy won’t love her anymore. In the end, the girl feels incredible guilt and shame from the (very minor) sexual sins she has committed against her god. She shies away from her boyfriend to avoid any sexual contact again. This hurts both the girl and her boyfriend (so she thinks). She begins to cry every night because she is so confused by her physical and emotional conflicts.

One day, another “upstanding,” church-going boy enters her life. This one is about 19 years old, the son of a preacher. She confides in him as a friend, tells him what she’s been through with her boyfriend. He tells her that it’s ok, that she might as well touch him there since she already sinned when she touched her boyfriend there. The girl touches him because her feelings are already in a turmoil and she’s terrified of hurting anyone else at this point.

The preacher’s son takes it upon himself to start feeling guilty and tells his father, the preacher. The preacher calls the girl’s parents to explain what transpired. The preacher’s son can’t keep his mouth shut and soon the gossip has spread through their group of mutual friends. This humiliates the girl, causing her to write things in her diary to the tune of, “I’m so alone in the world. I can’t understand what’s going on. Why is this happening to me when I’ve tried to be a good person and follow god’s plan for my life?” The girl becomes depressed, but doesn’t tell her parents because, well, they’re dealing with their own problems. The youth leader starts preaching about abstinence and sin and defiling the body and all the other evils of teenage life. It becomes unbearable, and the girl sinks deeper into her Bible studies and prayer, almost never missing a journal entry at night. The girl is miserable, and she hides it from everyone, pressing the feels deep, down inside and hoping for the second coming of Christ to rescue her from the big, bad world. Yeah, that’s healthy.

The girl’s parents never did talk to her about sex, but they sent the preacher’s daughter to talk to her, embarrassing her further and making her feel like a slut for not even having intercourse! The girl grew up thinking sex was a dirty, sinful act, but an act that is hard to escape. The girl felt shame and guilt for every sexual encounter thereafter, until she grew up and came to her senses about religion.

The moral of the story? He’ll tell you anything to get you into bed. I wish my parents had told me that. I wish they’d told me how to keep myself out of a bad situation. I wish they’d talked to me about sex, period. I may not have listened, but what if I did? What if they planted the seed that kept me from making a bad choice? I’ll talk to my girls about sex. I’ll make sure they understand that, while many men are wonderful, caring humans who will treat them perfectly, there are others who will take advantage of any and all situations in order to get some sexual contact. It doesn’t mean they’re bad, it just means they’re horny teenagers. Teaching abstinence isn’t the answer; sex education is. Respect and self worth are the answers, too. And just talking. Talking about sex is the answer. But ignoring it? That leads to disaster.

Also, religion sucks. That was difficult to type out, but maybe it will help someone out there understand how important it is to talk to kids and teens about sex. Do it. Don’t wait.